Good Friday

Good things happen to good people, I guess.

Lots of missing out. I've started going to the gym. I eat healthy food or I should admit try to. Today me, Iwa and Lenny are meeting for the first time together after almost 10 years. We're getting pizza for lunch. I can't wait.

The reason was to celebrate a really2 awesome news. For almost 4 years of blessed marriage, Lenny is pregnant! Finally her prayers are answered.

She's not the only one with answered prayers. This month I received a month's worth of aguinaldo and I'm going to spend it faithfully in buying myself a laptop. My own laptop. I'm complete already just thinking about it.

Beautiful day it is!

My father had gallstones. That was the problem all along. They removed it in an operation and right now he's at home recuperating. He'll live long and prosperous life.

Munie met someone. Mehdi, her other half just before she was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer. Irah also met someone and the parents are meeting up to discuss about the Big Day. Abie was restless but everything would be alright for her. For me I don't have any new updates in that department. I'm happy with myself.

I love today. I feel blessed. Thank you!

Depression

After 5 months of working I should declare that I am depressed. I am basically not improving and going against the current. I don't have money (I have just been cheated last 2 days), no family and no friends. I am alone in this merciless world and being taken advantage by some wicked people.

I wanted to apply for a master's degree in Mexico but nobody would like to recommend me even if I prepared the letter myself. 4 people didn't think that I am worth it. I have nowhere else to go. I'm basically stuck in a rut. This is not what I wanted. I wanted something else, bigger and larger than life.

I'm sad, basically. Really sad that I don't know who to talk with and how to start my story.

Heebie-jeebies

All of a sudden it's June. Yes, we passed half the ol' 2009 already. My goodness! What have I done all these while? I sat on my chubby bottom and pick up calls and gossip with Karen and Ho Leng. Apparently that's my life for now.

In other words, I did nothing.

I said I wanted to write but I didn't have much inspiration since I started working. I lost my appetite to write but I do read a lot of books. I read the most wonderful books this year and I like them for being so wonderful and delightful :)

I woke up this morning with a knot in my tummy. I was reminded of that darn kiss, which is not good. It was over in September and now we're in June. 9 months passed. Have I not learn any lesson? Still it lingers in my mind. The tenderness of his lips. He doesn't seem like he wanted me oh-so-desperately. It doesn't show that much. He wanted me as a basic carnal pleasure. Some things men do to women. Nature's call, maybe.

But I want him to want me more. I want someone to want me more than just basic carnal pleasure! I want him to desire me with his heart and soul which will never be. Some myth I'm working with in my head. Why do I even bother with this. He doesn't even care about me. It's done and get it over with.

Oh I wish I could get another kiss...

Daddy's Girl

Yesterday my Daddy came to see me. He had a meeting nearby and decided to take my belongings and dried food packed up carefully by Mummy. It must have been kilos of it. Less than 5 kilos I presume, but still a heavy weight that my Daddy had to carry.

He is awfully sick, he told me.

His heart worsen, his stomach was upset, his blood high, all sort of stuffs. Does this has anything to do with me? With my sins?

I'm worried about him.

He is still young. Fifty-something is still young for a man like him, with a 26 year old daughter. I wonder from where the diseases come. Mummy already cooks healthy food. From where the severe gastric came from?

I want him to have a long-disease-free life and a fulfilled one.

How?

I can only hope for the best

Right?Wrong?

I had millions of advices that told me exactly the same thing. The right person will come at the right moment.

I feel like a vomit coming. I'm sick of it. WTF?

So it has never been right (read: wrong) all this while? How will I know if the person is right? Even if I know that he is right, how will I know this is the right moment? How will I know that he knew that I am the right person? How will we both know this is the right time and the right person? How RIGHT is right?

What is the Right One never came? What if he died? What if he got married? What if he is not worth it, after all this long time awaiting? What if he's gay? What if he was kidnapped and ran by a 18 wheeler trailer in the middle of Afghanistan?What if he's a terrorist? What if it was too late for Right? What if all the ones left for me are all wrongs?

I want to believe there is still someone out there for me. Someone perfectly compatible with me. A soulmate. Mi Media Naranja. My Other Half. I tried believing that I gave up hoping but I can't (so that the damn thing would backfire but it didn't work). I tried focusing on other things but I can't. This is not me.

Should I give up? You know that this is the most important thing in my life and funnily you didn't seem to support this idea. You didn't seem to care at all about this one. You cared about other things which I enjoyed most but you left a big hole in the most important part in my heart.

I could not distract myself as always. I hate becoming another person that I am right now!

Please help me! I am begging you!

Birthday Girl Throws Tantrum

I hate him!

What the hell that I'm supposed to do? Wait for you patiently? Pray for you every night for the rest of a year and a half so that someday my instinct would tell me that one of my friends is The One, the one I'm waiting for. Dream on, lover boy.

I think I caught the last bug for Bridget Jones Syndrome. Everywhere I look I see people holding hands, lovers hugging, lovers kissing, lovers holding hands, weddings, wedding cards, that 'look' you have when you know you are safe in someone's arms. That 'look' you have when you know that you've been loved by someone who loves you. The one who caress you when you're down, listens to you and just call to say how much he loves you.

Oh how I hate him so much for making me feels this way!

I have every right to fall in love and be loved in return. Why am I still what I am last 10 years? I am exactly the same person except the ability to blabber idiotically in Malay, English and Spanish. I am indipendent, bold and adventurous. I am the person I see myself to be. I am happy to be myself but this little stupid thing call LOVE burnt all bridges.

I hate him!

I want to be happy. I am happy but panic attacks came when I look around. It seemed like everything conspiring against me. They want me to eat lunch alone, walk alone, talk alone, just be alone as long as I live. Nobody bothers if I wear a cute earrings or a nice dress or a red lipsticks. Nobody gives a damn. I am so alone and completely shattered when I look into the mirror and see myself. AM I not worth to love?Why?

I hate him!

Maybe I did a lot of stupid things. I can't help it. I don't want to continue doing things that I don't even like doing in the first place. It felt awful. It felt weird. It felt stupid, the whole affair of doing it. I admit that I am wrong and I am really sorry that you saw me in such light. I am weak and I apologize for it every single time. That is my problem, my weakness and you know it. I am deeply sorry with my attitude but I can't help but be an idiot who keeps repeating the same mistakes.

I hate him!

I want it so bad. I don't know if you could understand how bad that I need it. How desperate I was to be left in that situation. I felt angry. I felt passionate. I felt betrayed. I felt sad. I felt frustrated. I felt cheated. I felt scared. All powerful emotional gave a whirlwind blow inside my thoughts. I can't fight it. It is almost like fighting gravity on Earth. You always lose, or eventually you will.

I hate him!

I felt so weak and dumb and ugly. What have I done until I'd been kept in the dark all these while? Nobody that I knew that is worth the position. Why? Who is that person and why are you doing this to me? I cannot run anymore and searching for him all across the 7 seas. I lost my faith. It is degrading. I can't look for him anymore. I felt sick. Am I ever going to find him?

I hate him!

You know what is actually inside my mind. You know every scrutinizing details in my heart. Do you think this is funny? I enjoy my solitary moments but I think the time has come that I want a company. A good company. The company that you promised me. It has been so damn long and I am waiting for the perfect moment that people talked about. It never arrived.

I hate him!

I knew we humans never control our fate. We are weak. Fine. We live the best way we can and we compromise our strength with our weaknesses. We laugh, we cry, we get angry, we get even, we die. I went out, I travelled, I learned, I work, I went out to the places that people hang out, I have fun but nothing worked. Nothing came for consideration, not even glimpses. I am thinking of doing something that I would never do in a million years. I am working towards it and I hope that I won't reach that level. I am hating myself for even thinking about it in the first place.

I hate him!

In my heart I carry a heavy burden that only you and I can see. I don't want to do this but I have no other choice. I am weak and I want it so bad that it made me sick sometimes. Why won't you understand? i thought you would understand. How long would you make me feel this way? No you never did have anything to do with what I feel. Me myself did it to me but I don't control my fate. I had my times of patience and I am running out of it most of the time right now. So you want me to be giggly and happy and think there must be something behind it why this is not happening? You want me to accept my fate? Tell me until when do you want me to wait? Tell me when is the perfect time. Tell me...please.

I hate me!

You know me from little. I always have faith on you. I believe in you. You made everything happens. Miracles happen when you say so. I am sad, frustrated and scared. Please help me...

I am so screwed.

Teacher's Pet

I am quite proud of my reputation. I am lovable by many and I captured a lot of hearts -mostly teachers. I am smart and charming. Self-professed confession but it is true. I can get out of whatever trouble I had with the least amount of effort because of good rapport. I am invincible.


I am a spoilt brat by nature. I cry easily of the slightest anger or a cynical remark made by people. Sometimes the teachers got more scared than I do (either to teach me a lesson, to scream or just to persuade me not to prolong my feats) - I am with tears and all complete nuisance caused by a little girl caught doing something she's not supposed to. I am not used to scolding by strangers. I got my usual dose from Mom.


When I was in primary, I am well-known at Kelas Mengaji with Pak Mat. He gave me some responsibilty which includes in charge with his books. It was like a small library and I was the librarian. I loved what I do. Our Quran class started from 6 p.m until 9 p.m. We prayed Maghrib and Isyak together. All weekdays we read Quran and Pak Mat taught us the correct way to pray and we learn everything by heart. I always remember what he told me. He is a very good teacher. Old school but still gave his all to educate young minds.


Once I was caught doing something I was not supposed to, given my good reputation with the teacher. I forgot what it was - maybe bullying or tackling people that is, the rest of the girls while everyone was praying. The girls often giggles when something goes wrong at the back. I was caught doing it, I think. All of us were lined-up and I started crying. I never got my punishment. Everyone else got a stinging butt.


I am the pet of my teacher in kindergarten too, because I am close to her assistant. I am fully literate when I was 2 and I could get the whole concept of reading faster than everybody else. I was picked single-handedly in many events concerning performing and dancing. That was my last on stage appeareance.


During my first day of Standard One I was given the biggest responsible of all - The Class Monitor. I was stripped from the title the next day because of class bully (I am the bully). One boy thought he can do whatever he liked in the presence of his Mummy. Thought I should give him some lessons and be quite. I was wrong. But still the teacher loved me no matter what happened.


Same thing happened all through my primary school. The English teacher picked me for Choral Speaking, to help the President of Hang Jebat, picked for story telling, whatever contest there may be, I was in. Those were the precious days!


The trait was losing when I was in secondary. The teachers ignored me, not until I got my own vibe the very next year. I am with the Naughty People Society and I cause problem up to their pretty noses. One salvation - the discipline teacher and his wife both were on my side. They don't have any kids so I am their one and only love. I escaped latih tubi for a week by staying at home. Yes me and my friend we both ran from the school 2 weeks before SPM. He had migraine for the whole week until the day that I returned and it took his every fiber not to scream at me because he know that would be the last thing he ever do to me. Actually he understands me more than other teachers. I would do anything to get back at people - literally anything. He gets that. The irony was when I finished high school he got himself a daughter and another. For 7 years he never had any kids. I left and bam! 3 kids! Must be a lot of relief!


At university too, I am known to most of my professors - Encik Sobat, Dr. Abbas Fadhil Mubarak Al-Kharkhi, Prof. Teng, Dr. Hakimi, etc. I did my time in their offices. I was advised, bullied, humiliated in public and being invited to their house and meet their family. I am blessed. I love being the center of attention. It's my thing!


However whatever has been my strongest vocation is my own weakness.


I lost at my own game.


I never thought it was possible because I never believe in such comedy or let's say tragedy. It is actually the best thing that ever happened to me.

Have you ever worried if you could not impress a teacher? Do you remind yourself of what happened between the two of you in class? Do you feel nervous around him? Do you 'accidentally' walk by in front of his office to see what he was doing? Do you make unnecessary humiliating gestures in front of him but to him you meant nothing, just an ordinary students? Do you cry for him? Do you spent sleepless nights thinking about him? Do you think he is fated to be with you?

Have you fell in love with your own teacher?

That's nasty. I might add. There is no way that he would feel the same thing. Ever.

He is being nice to me because he IS a NICE person and he is nice to EVERYONE. I don't understand why I want to want him so bad all these while. Stupid Cupid.

Well he is away now. I don't think he would remember any of what we said when we were chums. I remembered most of it :)

Yesterday I read LIFE by Paulo Coelho. I agree generally with his idea. One does not own anything in this world so one never lost love. We actually never missed anything. We can love anyone we like whether the person likes it or not. Love is freedom. It is a flowing energy and it is an abundance.

So, this is love for me.

I saw him yesterday and he looked so happy where he belongs. He was so tiny, lonely and depressed man when I knew him. I like him better with his latest friends and attitudes. Suits the glint in his eyes.

These 5 years I had been so remorseful that I couldn't own him. I was so dissapointed that he didn't feel the same way towards me and he is million miles away from me and the fact that we will never be together forever.

I was so wrong the whole time.

I could never own him. I was born alone owing nothing and I will be buried alone too. I have a great portion of life inside my heart and it lies beating. It beats faster with the thought of him. My blood curls at the mention of his name. My lips smile to see him smiling. My eyes see through his beautiful eyes and knows that he's perfectly blessed where he belongs. What a beautiful boy he is dancing and laughing.

So yesterday I decided to love him no matter what happens.

He doesn't know and he will not know. Nobody will know this. Let it be.

It occurs to me that maybe someday I might know that he is in love, or maybe he is in pain or maybe alone or maybe sick. I will help him anyway I can with whatever I can wherever I can. I hope he would love better than I do. I hope he would get well the soonest possible. I hope he will find good company and I hope he will be blessed.

So when people asked me have you ever been in love?

I'll definitely say YES!