I was quite sad that my old passport is due in April 25th. It's less than 2 months from now. I can't travel using that one anymore so I got a new one done yesterday. It was a day full of possibilities and amazing outcome. I have another chance to wander around yet again!
This one opens new doors because I am so relieved to have my picture taken just the way I am. I am not another person in the passport. I had to put up with 5 years people looking at me twice while comparing to my passport photo. I had to endure the laughter of my colleagues and friends and customs. The photographer did nothing wrong just I changed a lot since last time.
Change is a good thing, right?
Anyway my faith was renewed as I got another shot with a new passport, with me featured inside. It was a relieved though I would like the stamps to be accumulated in the same passport but who in their correct mind would do that? Then a wanderlust would carry a thick volume of dictionaries of stamps just to get around. It's definitely not practical.
While I had been over the moon until evening when the monsoon came.
At first I haven't noticed the wind was blowing. It was not fierce as I expected. I had been trying to ignore that fact all these while. I ignored the black dense cloud. I even ignored the rumble of the thunder. But so sudden that it came in a flash of lightning. All and everything at once. The blinding rain, the impenetrable fog, the outburst of it all and it was impossible to contain.
It was bitter pain. All of it in one go that I beg to go away. I was not strong to contain it all. It lasted the whole night. I dreamed I was in somewhere snowy with Katee, the girl who I admire in So You Think You Can Dance. She was beautifully crafted for dancing. I don't know why she was in the dream but I am thankful that I don't see him or other returning nightmares. I would not stand it. The monsoon would come again.
I have no idea why. I know I was secretly sad for a long time. I could ignore that. What else that's left to do. I'm sure there's a lot of people that is more unhappy than I do. I am not the only unhappy person in the world. I am sure of that but such outburst surprised me.
I was in such pain?Why so tremendous pain and heartbreak?
Why on the happiest half of the day and most horrendous tears in the night time?
martes 9 de febrero de 2010
domingo 24 de enero de 2010
Lost Interest
I try my best to move forward every day. Currently I made about 100++ pages and counting. I still have a lot of room and spaces to improve. The focus is in the flowing words, the art and ending the story. I know I have it in me. I just need to dwell more into the abyss of my fantasies.
I started to hate my job. It is not glamorous being the receptionist. I am worth so much more than this, I know this much is true. I am staying here until I finish all my books. I wish I could travel but no use of talking big unless you had the chance or the money. Maybe I'm exceptional. I'm lucky.
I pray for a miracle. I want to leave this place. I don't want to stay here at the Embassy any longer. I want to resign this year. I want to fly away from this place. I no longer want to stay in Malaysia. I want to raid Seattle but no response whatsoever came from the Malay Writer ad. It's a tiny little shot and I took it. I still hope that they'd pay attention to me or is it not worth it? Maybe it would be better if I could make it own my own. Travel on my own expenses. Making my own itinerary. I want to stay some where else but Malaysia. I don't think I would be coming back once I had the chance go fly again. It will be the third time and always remember that the 3rd time's lucky!
I spend my life going to the gym and writing. I love both activities but I need to absorb more of this life. I'm leaving for a one way ticket.
I made my decision.
I started to hate my job. It is not glamorous being the receptionist. I am worth so much more than this, I know this much is true. I am staying here until I finish all my books. I wish I could travel but no use of talking big unless you had the chance or the money. Maybe I'm exceptional. I'm lucky.
I pray for a miracle. I want to leave this place. I don't want to stay here at the Embassy any longer. I want to resign this year. I want to fly away from this place. I no longer want to stay in Malaysia. I want to raid Seattle but no response whatsoever came from the Malay Writer ad. It's a tiny little shot and I took it. I still hope that they'd pay attention to me or is it not worth it? Maybe it would be better if I could make it own my own. Travel on my own expenses. Making my own itinerary. I want to stay some where else but Malaysia. I don't think I would be coming back once I had the chance go fly again. It will be the third time and always remember that the 3rd time's lucky!
I spend my life going to the gym and writing. I love both activities but I need to absorb more of this life. I'm leaving for a one way ticket.
I made my decision.
miércoles 20 de enero de 2010
Hope
I am currently writing a book about my own experience. It is not much but I loved the experience and I love writing. It brags about traveling, which I truly adore. It is a great blessing to be able to combine both of my favorite hobbies. It felt really good.
At least to me, I think I am making sense on what is my great big ambition. There is a great consequences that will come out of this. It will end up good or bad. It's either of the two. Of course I would feverishly wish for this ambition to end up being the best and I would speak volumes on the path to enlightenment and change people's life. In my heart, this is the flourishing hope. I hope it will turn out o.k.
Last night I didn't have much focus. I have bits and strings of idea and I tried my best to round them up against the wall. It's a gargantuan 3 paged effort on my behalf. I still think it needs a lot of modifications. I am lacking here and there, especially at the start of each sentences. It sounds like I am speaking. It should not be. It should sound like I am writing a book. I still find it too childish and I need to re-edit most of the part all over again. I am ready to do it. I also think I am not giving all my effort for this book. I loved planning and writing it because it is my book but I want other people to read it, not myself. I want to make them believe that whatever their wishes, anything could be done. I haven't got that power yet but I believe I have it in me. I could write the most uplifting verses and make them smile just thinking about it.
I tried the best I could not to complain. Honestly You know everything that I hide. Things that could not be read in a millions years by anyone but You. On my face, in my heart, in my bare hands. I could never cover those up. You'll always knew that, even from the very beginning. You know that I would love to love and I really like him a lot. I won't hope on him anymore. I don't want to suffer from these anymore. I'll let you do the work. You tell me what to do. I'll put everything on the shelves and I'll pick it up when You told me to. Maybe this way I'll learn to put things aside. I could chose to play my emotions wild and leave my ambition ignored or vice versa. You know which one is more important to me. I will pick the one that I have power to decide and made it be written on pages of history.
I want You to know that I love You no matter what. You are my pillar of strength and I can't live without You. I say a lot of stupid things because I am a stupid person. You are the Almighty, the Conqueror and All Things Good and Great.
To You I bow.
At least to me, I think I am making sense on what is my great big ambition. There is a great consequences that will come out of this. It will end up good or bad. It's either of the two. Of course I would feverishly wish for this ambition to end up being the best and I would speak volumes on the path to enlightenment and change people's life. In my heart, this is the flourishing hope. I hope it will turn out o.k.
Last night I didn't have much focus. I have bits and strings of idea and I tried my best to round them up against the wall. It's a gargantuan 3 paged effort on my behalf. I still think it needs a lot of modifications. I am lacking here and there, especially at the start of each sentences. It sounds like I am speaking. It should not be. It should sound like I am writing a book. I still find it too childish and I need to re-edit most of the part all over again. I am ready to do it. I also think I am not giving all my effort for this book. I loved planning and writing it because it is my book but I want other people to read it, not myself. I want to make them believe that whatever their wishes, anything could be done. I haven't got that power yet but I believe I have it in me. I could write the most uplifting verses and make them smile just thinking about it.
I tried the best I could not to complain. Honestly You know everything that I hide. Things that could not be read in a millions years by anyone but You. On my face, in my heart, in my bare hands. I could never cover those up. You'll always knew that, even from the very beginning. You know that I would love to love and I really like him a lot. I won't hope on him anymore. I don't want to suffer from these anymore. I'll let you do the work. You tell me what to do. I'll put everything on the shelves and I'll pick it up when You told me to. Maybe this way I'll learn to put things aside. I could chose to play my emotions wild and leave my ambition ignored or vice versa. You know which one is more important to me. I will pick the one that I have power to decide and made it be written on pages of history.
I want You to know that I love You no matter what. You are my pillar of strength and I can't live without You. I say a lot of stupid things because I am a stupid person. You are the Almighty, the Conqueror and All Things Good and Great.
To You I bow.
jueves 14 de enero de 2010
RTW
When I was working in Cyberjaya I enjoyed driving with Carlos to work. Due to the morning mist and air conditioner the glass would be stained by a light blur of mini cloud. I will write RTW over and over again. I want to go Round The World.
It seemed possible from where I stood last time. The idea came when I was obsessed with Geography. The world seemed fascinating and we were simple dots on the map. We absolutely must visit those places with unpronounceable names. We were imagining a lot of things in China, India, Mexico, Japan, Russia, places that no one wants to go, etc. I thought it was in our destiny to create the pact to travel. It was in my blood.
I started traveling when I was young and the thing that made me uneasy was the driving. I have an incurable illness of moving. I will puke if I don't feel comfortable in moving vehicles. The reasons usually were pretty lame: hunger, traffic jams, reading, reckless braking and driving, etc. I did not like the package but I will travel whenever I had the chance or the money.
Money is very important. I'm not saying this because I don't own much of it. Being in a foreign place will need you to introduce money to many pockets. You can't cook in a hotel, you pay fares, transportation, tips, souvenirs, etc. More money is welcomed at every door step. You can spend recklessly and have plan B how to blow everything out of proportion and come back alive at the end of the day. It's a beautiful thing to own a lot of money and be able to travel, which was the exact opposite end of me this month.
I read my daily horoscope and it said that the stars will help me sail towards the unknown territories of my dreams. Set my sail and just flow. I love the idea. I honestly want nothing else but to go somewhere far and unknown and uncover the mystery that wraps the unregistered place. I want to write beautiful stories that made people laugh, cry and able to connect with what I am thinking and experiencing. I want our souls to be connected with words and pieces of paper. I want to travel and sip the juices of the world. I don't think I would like to come back here. I don't belong here.
This year would be a good year for this whole ambition. This whole dream that I am waking up and doing. I can feel it in my heart and a big wave is coming and like Bryce de Nice I am catching that in full throttle. There is a reason for me to feel this way. I write and write and I wish that this is the very essence of best that I've got. I want to be successful in writing. This is what I really want to do. I choose to do this because I love writing with all my heart and soul. I love words, all aspect of it - well maybe not grammar but I love being able to connect with other people using words.
I want to set my sail. I don't know how but I want to leave this country and never coming back. Let me suffer with this curse.
It seemed possible from where I stood last time. The idea came when I was obsessed with Geography. The world seemed fascinating and we were simple dots on the map. We absolutely must visit those places with unpronounceable names. We were imagining a lot of things in China, India, Mexico, Japan, Russia, places that no one wants to go, etc. I thought it was in our destiny to create the pact to travel. It was in my blood.
I started traveling when I was young and the thing that made me uneasy was the driving. I have an incurable illness of moving. I will puke if I don't feel comfortable in moving vehicles. The reasons usually were pretty lame: hunger, traffic jams, reading, reckless braking and driving, etc. I did not like the package but I will travel whenever I had the chance or the money.
Money is very important. I'm not saying this because I don't own much of it. Being in a foreign place will need you to introduce money to many pockets. You can't cook in a hotel, you pay fares, transportation, tips, souvenirs, etc. More money is welcomed at every door step. You can spend recklessly and have plan B how to blow everything out of proportion and come back alive at the end of the day. It's a beautiful thing to own a lot of money and be able to travel, which was the exact opposite end of me this month.
I read my daily horoscope and it said that the stars will help me sail towards the unknown territories of my dreams. Set my sail and just flow. I love the idea. I honestly want nothing else but to go somewhere far and unknown and uncover the mystery that wraps the unregistered place. I want to write beautiful stories that made people laugh, cry and able to connect with what I am thinking and experiencing. I want our souls to be connected with words and pieces of paper. I want to travel and sip the juices of the world. I don't think I would like to come back here. I don't belong here.
This year would be a good year for this whole ambition. This whole dream that I am waking up and doing. I can feel it in my heart and a big wave is coming and like Bryce de Nice I am catching that in full throttle. There is a reason for me to feel this way. I write and write and I wish that this is the very essence of best that I've got. I want to be successful in writing. This is what I really want to do. I choose to do this because I love writing with all my heart and soul. I love words, all aspect of it - well maybe not grammar but I love being able to connect with other people using words.
I want to set my sail. I don't know how but I want to leave this country and never coming back. Let me suffer with this curse.
domingo 10 de enero de 2010
Beautiful Dream
I love daydreaming. It's therapeutic and healing. I would dream that the sun is my limit and the energy from my dream would blast towards the big ball. I know I'm fiery and fearsome :) Today is a good day because I ate. I just noticed that I really love food. Yesterday I rewarded myself with a caramel ice-cream and a salmon pizza. Those were the best. I was still smiling on my bed at midnight. Yuna won. I love her songs and her rendition. She's talented.
I love the fact that my dreams are beginning to take more place in my heart. I love the fact that I think about them every so often during my waking moments. I am a child again. I stared at the Playground and wonder if I played everywhere that I wanted to be. I think starting the slide in South America is quite a good idea. Up to Northern America then off to Europe, down to Africa then to India and starting with Asia from Russia. The islands do make me worried sometimes. They are separate part but I guess there will come their turns: Japan, New Zealand, Australia, Seychelles, Maldives, Mallorca, etc.
There could never be a full stop in the listed possibilities of how far you can reach. I can travel and eat and meet new people, new food. The love circle will never break.
I could feel my soul flying. We were meant to fly!
I love the fact that my dreams are beginning to take more place in my heart. I love the fact that I think about them every so often during my waking moments. I am a child again. I stared at the Playground and wonder if I played everywhere that I wanted to be. I think starting the slide in South America is quite a good idea. Up to Northern America then off to Europe, down to Africa then to India and starting with Asia from Russia. The islands do make me worried sometimes. They are separate part but I guess there will come their turns: Japan, New Zealand, Australia, Seychelles, Maldives, Mallorca, etc.
There could never be a full stop in the listed possibilities of how far you can reach. I can travel and eat and meet new people, new food. The love circle will never break.
I could feel my soul flying. We were meant to fly!
miércoles 6 de enero de 2010
Tug of War
It is not him. I can tell you that. We must wait for another person that is well worth it.
But I want him. No one else.
You're just saying that because you can only see him now. You're not open to other possibilities. You haven't seen the world just yet. Better people will come your way. That is a fact.
But he is just the One that I wish every day. He even appeared in my dreams!
Those are just dreams. How many dreams have you had that concerns men? There were a lot of them. Most of it was just souls bored to death during night time and made some interesting appearance in your dream. It can't be more than that. Trust me.
But he is the best so far!
The best is yet to come. Be patient. You are already doing a great effort. We pray that He always listens.
What if it's useless? What if it just didn't work?
We do and later we worry about that.
But I would be really sad if he go away like the rest of the people?
It would be a shame for him.
At the embassy right now Kenia is chasing her dad. He is speaking to her in German. The mother speaks Spanish. I honestly wish that my children would speak Malay, English and Spanish at least. How can that be possible if he doesn't even look for me? I'm looking for someone who'll find me.
We are doing the best that we can. Have faith!
On some good days I feel like my faith is much stronger than diamond. On bad days it breaks like a weathered branch. Just today I feel like crying. I want him to care about me. I want him to want me more than I could ever wish he could. I was wrong about most things. He's leaving and I don't think I signifies more than a little sand on a white beach. Insignificant.
You told me that you wait for Your Other Half. Not him. Why are you feeling so sad that he doesn't pay much attention to you?
I don't know. Maybe I'm confused between the two. I want him to be both but he isn't, in real life. This just keeps coming. I don't know how to end the cycle. It would means so much if he would ever like me at all. I would love to be desired by him like a woman should. I already planned my whole life with him. Stupid things that I do in my free time. Sometimes I hate myself for being too imaginative. I loved him already.
You cannot do anything. It is not within your power to decide whose person belongs to you or who's not. Who should love you and who's not. You will have to wait for your turn.
You know that I'm not particularly a patient person. I am doing my best effort because I want him to cross my path, to decide that I am the person that he waited all his life, to be married to him, to have his children and grow old with. What was I thinking?
You should have focused on your book. Not him. Serves you right!
But I want him. No one else.
You're just saying that because you can only see him now. You're not open to other possibilities. You haven't seen the world just yet. Better people will come your way. That is a fact.
But he is just the One that I wish every day. He even appeared in my dreams!
Those are just dreams. How many dreams have you had that concerns men? There were a lot of them. Most of it was just souls bored to death during night time and made some interesting appearance in your dream. It can't be more than that. Trust me.
But he is the best so far!
The best is yet to come. Be patient. You are already doing a great effort. We pray that He always listens.
What if it's useless? What if it just didn't work?
We do and later we worry about that.
But I would be really sad if he go away like the rest of the people?
It would be a shame for him.
At the embassy right now Kenia is chasing her dad. He is speaking to her in German. The mother speaks Spanish. I honestly wish that my children would speak Malay, English and Spanish at least. How can that be possible if he doesn't even look for me? I'm looking for someone who'll find me.
We are doing the best that we can. Have faith!
On some good days I feel like my faith is much stronger than diamond. On bad days it breaks like a weathered branch. Just today I feel like crying. I want him to care about me. I want him to want me more than I could ever wish he could. I was wrong about most things. He's leaving and I don't think I signifies more than a little sand on a white beach. Insignificant.
You told me that you wait for Your Other Half. Not him. Why are you feeling so sad that he doesn't pay much attention to you?
I don't know. Maybe I'm confused between the two. I want him to be both but he isn't, in real life. This just keeps coming. I don't know how to end the cycle. It would means so much if he would ever like me at all. I would love to be desired by him like a woman should. I already planned my whole life with him. Stupid things that I do in my free time. Sometimes I hate myself for being too imaginative. I loved him already.
You cannot do anything. It is not within your power to decide whose person belongs to you or who's not. Who should love you and who's not. You will have to wait for your turn.
You know that I'm not particularly a patient person. I am doing my best effort because I want him to cross my path, to decide that I am the person that he waited all his life, to be married to him, to have his children and grow old with. What was I thinking?
You should have focused on your book. Not him. Serves you right!
lunes 4 de enero de 2010
Love
2010 came like a dream. It was so sudden that I tried to list an eventful thing during last year and I can't find any. Maybe buying Joaquim. It's a step closer to my book writing career. I felt so relieved that I have him constantly by my side. Before this I have to make some time for writing and office work and it was quite difficult balancing both (with the calls and documents to be sent to appropriate person and sending cheques). Now that Joaquim is here to stay,I'm going to make it!
Today is the 5th day that I'm fasting. I had to do something. I'd rather starve myself than to wait and wait for the good news. Am I actually helping him in some way? I have no idea. Yesterday I felt so weak and sick. I walked the whole day. It was not hot like the usual day but still I can't finish my complete Yasin reciting. I felt like my soul was torn away from me. I felt helpless and unhappy. I felt numb with pain.
I should not discuss pain again. I should stay positive. I am actually doing something for him. I am really doing this for the love of him. Please make it easy for him. Please guide him to You. Please let him found me. Please lead him to the Truth. I am doing this because I could not hold on any longer. I'm beginning to frail in my faith to find such person. I don't want to be angry to anyone. I want to be happy. Please let us be happy. Please bless us with your eternal light to You. Because You are Love and we wish to find You.
I don't know who is he, where does he come from, what does he do, nothing about him but I love him and he loves me. I don't know anything else that I could do to unite us in any logical sense in the world. But You know and I beg you to let him in. I want him to find You. You are Everything in One. Nothing could hurt me because it is You that I seek.
I leave it all to You. I will do whatever it takes for him. I do my part and it's up to You if it's worth it.
I will fast. Please grant me the peace and grace each day Please grant him happiness and guide him to us.
I love him already.
Today is the 5th day that I'm fasting. I had to do something. I'd rather starve myself than to wait and wait for the good news. Am I actually helping him in some way? I have no idea. Yesterday I felt so weak and sick. I walked the whole day. It was not hot like the usual day but still I can't finish my complete Yasin reciting. I felt like my soul was torn away from me. I felt helpless and unhappy. I felt numb with pain.
I should not discuss pain again. I should stay positive. I am actually doing something for him. I am really doing this for the love of him. Please make it easy for him. Please guide him to You. Please let him found me. Please lead him to the Truth. I am doing this because I could not hold on any longer. I'm beginning to frail in my faith to find such person. I don't want to be angry to anyone. I want to be happy. Please let us be happy. Please bless us with your eternal light to You. Because You are Love and we wish to find You.
I don't know who is he, where does he come from, what does he do, nothing about him but I love him and he loves me. I don't know anything else that I could do to unite us in any logical sense in the world. But You know and I beg you to let him in. I want him to find You. You are Everything in One. Nothing could hurt me because it is You that I seek.
I leave it all to You. I will do whatever it takes for him. I do my part and it's up to You if it's worth it.
I will fast. Please grant me the peace and grace each day Please grant him happiness and guide him to us.
I love him already.
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